Start at the heart: humility before the Lord

Conflict begins in the heart. Scripture is clear about the desires that war within us (James 4:1–2). Before addressing a brother or sister, bring your own heart to the Lord and submit to His Word. We take Jesus’ words literally. The Bible is true, sufficient, and authoritative.

Jesus calls us to self-examination first: “First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). In humility, we seek the interests of others above our own (Philippians 2:3–4).

- Ask the Spirit to search you and expose sinful motives (Psalm 139:23–24).

- Repent quickly and fully for your part (1 John 1:9).

- Surrender vengeance to God (Romans 12:19).

- Aim for restoration, not vindication (Galatians 6:1).

Go first, go privately, go in love

Love moves first. If someone has something against you, Jesus says, “First go and be reconciled to your brother” before worship (Matthew 5:23–24). If you’ve been sinned against, love still takes the first step.

Jesus gives a clear path: “If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15). Start small, stay personal, and seek to win a brother, not an argument (Proverbs 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8).

- Choose a time and place that honors the person.

- Speak plainly, without exaggeration or accusation.

- Keep the circle as small as possible (Proverbs 25:9–10).

- Pray with them if possible, asking God for unity.

Speak truth with grace and self-control

Truth without grace hardens; grace without truth weakens. We are called to speak “the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) and to season our words with grace (Colossians 4:6). Tone matters as much as content.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Righteous anger must be restrained: “Be angry, yet do not sin. Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26–27).

- Use “I” statements to own your perspective.

- Avoid always/never language and loaded labels.

- Name specific actions and impacts, not motives.

- Bless rather than revile (1 Peter 3:9).

Listen to understand, not to win

Wisdom listens. “The first to present his case seems right, until another comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17). Listening slows conflict and opens doors for mutual understanding.

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19). Patience honors the image of God in others and gives space for truth to do its work.

- Reflect back what you heard before responding.

- Ask for clarification on anything unclear.

- Acknowledge what is true, even if hard to hear.

- Pause when emotions run high; return with calmness (Proverbs 29:11).

Invite help wisely when needed

If private conversation stalls, Jesus gives the next step: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Matthew 18:16). This is not ganging up; it is gracious accountability.

If still unresolved: “tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). In love, shepherds help the flock walk in truth (Hebrews 13:17).

- Choose impartial, mature believers to help (Galatians 6:1).

- Keep confidences; avoid gossip (Proverbs 25:9–10).

- Follow your church’s discipline process carefully.

- Aim for repentance and restoration at every step.

Practice robust forgiveness and pursue reconciliation

Forgiveness is commanded, comprehensive, and costly. “If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Even if he sins against you seven times in a day and seven times returns to say, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). Jesus also widens our hearts: not seven times, but “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22).

“Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). “Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). Love “keeps no account of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

- Forgiveness releases debts to God’s justice (Romans 12:19).

- Reconciliation restores fellowship when trust is rebuilt (Romans 12:16).

- Where safety or ongoing harm is at stake, set wise boundaries (Proverbs 22:3).

- Seek tangible fruits of repentance when needed (Luke 19:8).

Pursue peace and holiness consistently

Peacemaking is not passive. “If it is possible on your part, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). This is a persevering posture, not a one-time event.

“Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no root of bitterness springs up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:14–15). Peace and holiness travel together.

- Seek peace quickly (Matthew 5:23–24).

- Keep short accounts; refuse bitterness (Ephesians 4:31).

- Overlook minor offenses in love (Proverbs 19:11).

- Be a blessing-maker, not a score-keeper (1 Peter 3:8–9).

Guard the unity of the church

Unity is precious and must be protected. “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3). Harmony glorifies God (Romans 15:5–6).

Some conflicts are conscience-level, not gospel-level. Welcome one another and avoid quarreling over opinions (Romans 14:1–4, 19). Protect the flock from gossip and divisiveness (Proverbs 6:16–19; Titus 3:10).

- Distinguish essentials from non-essentials; charity in all things.

- Refuse to triangulate; go directly to people (Matthew 18:15).

- Speak only what builds up and gives grace (Ephesians 4:29).

- Pray for unity and rejoice when others are honored (Philippians 2:1–4).

When reconciliation isn’t possible

Some will not listen, or the situation requires civil authorities (Romans 13:1–4). There are times to absorb loss for Christ’s sake. “Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?” (1 Corinthians 6:7).

Entrust yourself to God. He sees and will judge righteously (1 Peter 2:23). Keep your conscience clear and your conduct honorable (1 Peter 2:12).

- Maintain appropriate boundaries with chronic harm (Proverbs 4:23).

- Seek counsel from elders and wise believers (Proverbs 11:14).

- Involve authorities promptly when crimes occur (Romans 13:4).

- Continue to pray for your enemy and do good (Matthew 5:44; Romans 12:20–21).

Keep the gospel central

Jesus reconciled us to God and to one another. “For He Himself is our peace” (Ephesians 2:14). “And through Him to reconcile to Himself all things… making peace by the blood of His cross” (Colossians 1:20).

“All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation… We are therefore ambassadors for Christ” (2 Corinthians 5:18, 20). Our peacemaking displays the gospel we proclaim (Matthew 5:9).

- Remember who you are in Christ—beloved, forgiven, sent (Ephesians 1).

- Aim for God’s glory more than personal relief (1 Corinthians 10:31).

- Keep the cross in view and hope in the Spirit’s power (Galatians 5:22–23).

- Walk by faith, obeying Scripture literally and joyfully (John 14:15).

God appoints the state to punish evildoers (Romans 13:1–4). Church processes do not replace lawful reporting of crimes.

- Prioritize safety; remove victims from harm (Proverbs 27:12).

- Report crimes to authorities promptly (Romans 13:4).

- Involve elders for spiritual care and church discipline (1 Corinthians 5:1–5).

- Do not pressure victims to reconcile with unrepentant abusers.

Confronting leaders with honor

Leaders are accountable too. “Do not entertain an accusation against an elder except on the testimony of two or three witnesses” (1 Timothy 5:19).

- Bring corroborated facts, not rumors (Proverbs 18:17).

- Use appropriate church channels; maintain due process (Matthew 18:16–17).

- Public sin may require public rebuke (1 Timothy 5:20).

- Aim for truth, justice, and the church’s purity (Ephesians 5:11).

Forgiveness, repentance, and restitution

Forgiveness is free, but reconciliation often includes fruit. Zacchaeus modeled tangible repentance: “If I have cheated anyone of anything, I will repay it fourfold” (Luke 19:8).

- Look for diligence, clearing of self, indignation, fear, longing, zeal, punishment—fruits of godly grief (2 Corinthians 7:10–11).

- Make restitution where appropriate (Exodus 22:1).

- Rebuild trust with time and consistent integrity (Proverbs 20:6).

- Keep forgiving as you pursue wise restoration (Colossians 3:13).

Online and public conflicts

Digital spaces amplify folly and slander. Some disputes should not be taken up publicly (Proverbs 26:4–5).

- Slow down; answer sparsely and graciously (Proverbs 17:27–28).

- Decline debates that produce heat, not light (2 Timothy 2:23–25).

- Go private whenever possible (Matthew 18:15).

- Keep records if needed; avoid screenshot warfare and mobbing.

Doctrinal disputes and divisive people

Not every disagreement is a gospel issue, but some are. Avoid foolish controversies (Titus 3:9). “Reject a divisive man after a first and second admonition” (Titus 3:10).

- Hold fast to sound doctrine (2 Timothy 1:13–14).

- Mark and avoid false teachers who oppose the gospel (Romans 16:17).

- In secondary matters, welcome and bear with one another (Romans 14:1–4).

- Pursue unity in truth, not unity at any cost (Ephesians 4:13–15).

Peacemaking in marriage and family

Home is the proving ground of love. Gentleness and patience are daily disciplines (Colossians 3:12–14).

- Keep short accounts; confess and forgive quickly (James 5:16).

- Guard your words; bless, don’t bruise (Ephesians 4:29; Proverbs 12:18).

- Seek counsel early, not as a last resort (Proverbs 15:22).

- Model repentance to children; train them toward reconciliation (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).

Church discipline and restoration

Discipline is love in action aiming at restoration (Hebrews 12:5–11). The steps are clear (Matthew 18:15–17) and must be carried out with tears, not triumph.

- Define the sin biblically; avoid vague charges (1 John 3:4).

- Give time for repentance; keep communicating the gospel (Galatians 6:1).

- If removal is needed, treat as an unbeliever—evangelize and pray (1 Corinthians 5:11–13).

- Celebrate repentance and restore warmly (2 Corinthians 2:6–8).

Justice, lament, and imprecatory prayers

There is a place for lament and appeal to God’s justice when grievously wronged (Psalm 10; 13). Jesus entrusted Himself “to Him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

- Pour out your heart to God; do not nurse bitterness (Psalm 62:8; Hebrews 12:15).

- Ask God to act righteously while loving enemies (Matthew 5:44).

- Let God’s justice free you from personal vengeance (Romans 12:19).

- Anchor hope in the Final Day when all will be set right (2 Thessalonians 1:5–10).

Cross-cultural tensions and partiality

The gospel dismantles hostility. Christ is our peace who makes one new man (Ephesians 2:14–16). Partiality is sin (James 2:1–9).

- Listen well to stories and burdens (Romans 12:15).

- Honor brethren from every background (Revelation 7:9–10).

- Refuse stereotypes; judge with right judgment (John 7:24).

- Labor for hospitality and shared life (Romans 12:13).

A congregational culture of peace

Make peacemaking normal. “Seek peace and pursue it” (Psalm 34:14). “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!” (Psalm 133:1).

- Teach Matthew 18 regularly; practice it literally.

- Train small group leaders in basic mediation skills.

- Celebrate stories of reconciliation; keep the cross central.

- Pray for the Spirit’s fruit to abound—especially love, patience, gentleness (Galatians 5:22–23).